Log on Life

Heads You Win, Tails I'm Lost
I have become very upset because I realize that I have no hero. My heroes have failed me and now I have none. After 16 years it was wierd to have one, now it is weird not to. I feel so let down. Humans, as a whole, seem like a bunch of let downs. There is no one in this world to idealize, we are all filled with unforgivable flaws. I am not looking for someone who is flawless, just someone who is activelt seeking to overcome their flaws. Even that is worth idealization, but as much as we all like to say/ think that we are trying to overcome our flaws, there are very very few of us who actually are, myself included. That also depresses me, that I can't even live up to my own standars. How can i expect to find a hero when I am not worthy of heroship. But I guess that is the point, that I need to become better. But why do I feel the need too have someone to show me the way, I should be able to find it all by myself. For years I did and I was fine and now I can't seem to find my way. I am lost in my own cloud. I am so scared to be on my own. I feel like I might not make it, that I veer so far off my path that I just get swallowed by the darkness and can never return. Still, though, I feel significantly weakened by these thoughs, thoughts of dependence. I need to be independent, to fly on my own. I should be my own light. Where the hell do I go from here?

03/04/02

You Killed My Father, Prepare To Die
Happy birthday to me! Hurrah! I am 18! On friday My family and I (and some family friends) went to Buca Di Beppo for dinner in celebration of my adulthood. My mom and Eddie couldn't even get along for 5 minutes. We didn't even get our drink orders out before they started arguing! So we separated them and the evening went well from there. For my birthday, my mom gave a ring that my father had given her when they were still dating. It's sapphire and really pretty it meant a lot to me. Things from my dad usually do. I also got a pair of diamond earrings from Amanda, my mom's friend whom I have known forever. She went to LCHS with my mom and had the Harv! Ha!

I speant Saturday with Charles because he was kind enough to drive down from San Fransisco to wish me a happy birthday. I thought that was nice. We watched Pulp Fiction, which I hadn't seen in about 5 years. I also got to see his parents, whom I love! They are tons of fun. Sunday, I hung out with deborah and we watched an MTV show called Tough Enough, which is obsene, but some of it was SO funny. Not intentionally funny, but it-was-so-stupid-it-was-funny funny. And that was my weekend. Grr, I hate school. I don't want to go back. I just want to go to New York, which I will be viviting in April. That is exciting. I am going out there the 3rd week in april for a 4 day weekend. I've convinced my mom that we should spend 2 days in Potsdam checking out Clarkson and the other 2 days in the City. ALso Aurora will be coming with us, which will be fun because now that she has matured a bit, she is a lot of fun to be with .

03/04/02

I Am Sorry That Jesus Died For My Sins....
And I swear to God, it won't happen again. Anyway, great News! I got into my first choice college. Siberia here I come! Clarkson is in Potsdam, NY, which is only 15 miles from the Candian border! Talk about cold! oh, but I am so excited! I told my dad and he was sad that it was so far away, which is funny to me because no matter how close or far he is, I talk/see him that same amount, so I laugh at him. Anyway, here is what has been going on in my life. My birthday is in 2 days. I will 18, hurray! And Charles is coming down and taking me miniture golfing. Fun times :) I went to Desiree's again last weekend and had a great time, even though I was not feeling too great the next morning, but hey, that's the way it goes. School still sucks, even more now that I have had to make up so much work. I swear I missed the busiest week of school so far this year. I was shocked at how much I missed. Oh well. I got into Clarkson and that is all that matters! Woo woo! Now, if I can just pay for it, I will be set! Paying for it will be difficult, though. oh well, I'll make it work and if I have to go to Oregon instead, that's ok. Well, for as long as it has been since I have written, I have surprisingly little to say.

02/27/02

"What's A Joaquin?"
Wow, it has been quite a while since I have written. That i sbecause my cable modem hates me and hasn't been wanting to work. Anyway, it is working now. Well, after missing an entire week of school for not so great reasons, I had a great weekend. I went down to Desiree's house her b-day (desiree is a freind of mine who lives in Lancaster). It was SO much fun. Last I went to her house, her friends weren't very excepting of me, which made it really awkward, but now she has new friends and they kick ass! I went on friday afternoon and hung out with Heather and Jody, whom I have known for a while. Friday was Jody's first day working at Mc Donalds, so we went to her work to harass her and wound up staying there untill 8 so we could walk her home, but we went to Savons first to get some crap for heather. There we saw this guy how Desiree knew from elementary school and Jody thought he was cute, so Heather gave him Jody's number. On the way out, Jody and Desiree were walkinh weird, so I turned around to call them dorks and as I turned around I slammed into a display of planty things adn early knocked the whole thing down. Who was the dork then, eh? Anyway, We were on Desiree's street and we saw this guy infront of a drive way and he looked either really drunk. At first we couldn't tell if he had pants of or not because he was across the street and it was reall dark, but as it turns he had NO PANTS ON! Then he took off his shirt so that he was totally nude and ran behind the cars and was ssquating or something, so we told one of Desiree's friend's parent, who were outside and he went to go see what was up. When he asked what nakey man was doing he replied "taking a crap" and we were all thouroughly discusted and Desi's friend's dad made him leave and we went over to the houst to tell the people who lived there what happened. It was really funny. It was house full of girls and one guy and they were all screaming about how gross it was and they couldn't find a flash light so they used a candle to look for the present nakey man left them, but we couldn't find it and figured that he was lting and we all went home.

The next day Heather, Desiree, and I went to lunch with Desi's family and afterwards, we went into a Toys R Us that was next dorr to the restaurant. We dressed up in everything we could find and choo-chooed through the store. The kids found it very amuzing while the parents gave us funny looks. the staff was cool, though and told us about how when they were young, they did things like that. It was bunches of fun! Later than night A whole slew of us went to the movies. There was about 20 of us all together. We saw How High, which I wasn't looking forward to seeing, but wound up being kind of funny in all of it's stupidity. After that we went to one of there houses to hang out and a couple of the guys became intregued with the can of dust-off and strted freezing everything possible with it. including someone's arm. The next day, Heather, Jody and I were trying to remember their names and here's what we came up with: Rupert, Germane, and Jonathan were what we though Jeramiah's name was, and Jody kept calling Joaquin, Hakim.

Well, I have been invited back next weekend to go camping with them all, which I really hope I can go to.

Anyway, I had a good time with Desiree and her friends. I can't wait for her to come up here. She'll be here in a couple of weeks for my birthday, which should be fun.

I am not happy to be going back to school. Really, I am done with it all. I just want to graduate and get it over with. Pooey! I am especially upset because when ti sent to get my homeowrk for the week so that I could start it, only 3 of teachers sent anything back. I don't even want to know how much I am going to have to make up in bio. I know I have at least 2 tests and 4 quizzes to make up. Yuck! That makes me not want to go to school even more!

02/19/02

I'm In A Remedial Art Class For Fuck Ups And Retards
I finally saw Ghost World, which is a great movie. I highly suggest all of you to see. Enid is my hero. Just the name Enid is enough to make her my hero, but her character is great. Speaking of names, just to clear things up, the way you pronounce my blog username thing is june-I-ah LAY, not JUNE-ee-ah LEE.

Anyway, being that I have not written in forever, I have quite a bit to write about. First order of business, I have decided that Moe is great. The more I know him, the more he is fabulous. Here are my reasons: 1) he is really great to talk to one on one. He's really open to discussing things that most teachers aren't, which is cool. He's also very willing to listen and give advice, which brings me to 2) He trioed to make me feel better when I have chem issues. He didn't really make me feel any better, but he tried, and that's what really matters. 3)He rasied my grade from a B to a B+ even though I really, was no where near a B+. Moe is a good guy.

Ok, enough of that. The other person who I have really come to like is Stephanie Harris. I have been talking to her quite a bit lately and she really is one o fth e most intellegent, kind hearted, fabulous people ever. She really is one of the most internally beautiful people I have ever met and I am really glad to know her. And just for the record, I don't what anyone says, Carl is a good guy and really isn't deserving of some of the crap he's delt by people who are too blind to notice that he's really a great person.

Ok, next! I have really come to hate school, I don't feel compelled to go to any of my classes. They hold no interest for me anymore. I really just want to be done with it all. Even English has become tedious for me. I used to love English because so many of my friends are in that class and really have a great time, but recently I haven't cared at all. I am so sick and tired of stupid people and stupid classes. I am tired and I really don't feel that I am taking very much out of any of my classes. They don't seem to be worth my time.

In recent news, I asked Andrew to backwards and he didn't seemed to thrilled about it, but that could be becasue the way I did it embarrassed him. It was kind of funny, he turned all red. It was pretty great.

02/08/02

I Am Feeling Fat and Sassy
I feel like I haven't written in a year and a half...even though it has only been a few days. Finals were aweful, I was so sick for almost all of them. I had bio first, which was one of my hardest finals and I felt so sick that I could barely think. In part of my last essay I just stopped thinking about what I was writing and just started babbling. After i was finished, which was about 15 minutes before the class was over, Mrs. Compeau asked if I wanted a note so that I could go home and I foolishly said no because I had my Ethics final. All we did was watch a movie (12 andgry men, which was pretty good) but I felt like crap the whole time and really wanted to be in bed. I should have gone home! On wednesday I started to feel better, but my thinking capacity still wasn't up to par and my chemistry exam was so aweful. The multiple choice was easy enough (surprisingly) but I just couldn't do my "show your work" problems. I remeber that one of the questions had to do with melting points of alkali metals as compared to halogen and the answer had to do with the different kinds of bonds (even figuring that out took forever) and I couldn't for the life of me remember the reasoning ast to why covalent bonds were harder to melt than metallic. Now, being able to think, I feel really stupid for not being able to answer that. I couldn't full answer any of the questions, which really suck because I need to do well on it to keep my B. I really suck at chemistry now, which really makes me sad. On the bright side, though I was pretty much betetr for the Gov exam and it was easy. I had to BS part b of the second essy, but I think I got. Besides, my examples for the first essay and the first part of the scond essay were really good, so hopefully that makes up for how bad my essays were on monday.

In non-school news, my grandma is finally back from New Jersey so I am really happy. We are going out tomorrow which is great because I hate when I don't see her for a long time. She is my therapist. Not to mention that we are the same person, so she's great to talk to. For those of you who know about my granparents, I am talking about my "cool grandma" not me "racist grandma", whoisn't really racist, she just isn't a fan of inter-racial relationships, or the fact that I haven't made my confirmation, but too bad for her.

Anyhoo, my weekend is shaping up to better than last weekend. For one, my mom and eddie are once again on speaking terms (as of last night) and as far as I know, are no longer getting a divorce. I was wondering how long that would take. Usually by the next day they are over the whole "I wanna a divorce" thing, but it took almost an entire week this time. I think that may be some kind of record! Alos, I went out today with Lawrence and we walked from Old Town to Tower Records and called Eric and had him down (sigh) and then we went and kidnapped saurabh and we all went to Soup Plantaion. After we dropped Lawrence and Saurabh of at their houses, Eric and I went to his house and watched this 15 minute cartoon short called "Rejected" and it was hilarious! I highly suggest all of you to watch it.

Back to school stuff: I am so glad semester is over! Even though my senoiritis has started to sink in (hence my C in gov), It is nice to know that as long as I pass my classes, I am ok. I have also decided that on our 3 day week I am not going to school until after lunch everyday because out of four classes, only one teacher will not be at Yosemite. If Weld was going, I wouldn't show up at all, but he isn't going this year because of some PTA crap or something. Anyway, hurray for sleeping in.

02/01/02

It's A Feel Good Thing
Well, all I have to say right now is that Anna Pearman is the nicest person ever. She came by my house today just to see how i was doing because I wasn't in Ethics today. That made me feel good, thanks Anna!

01/28/02

Sick Sad World
I feel like shit! Not only did I have the most unrestful, unnerving, not fun weekend but this morning I woke up and I feel yucky and sick! But i had to get up and go to school to write the damned AP Gov essays and I think that if you cannot fit your final into the alloted time, then it is too long and you need to make some changes! But luckily I got to go home after my essays and feel yucky and sick on my couch rather than in a class room. Ugh, and I have my hardest final first tomorrow. Sad times. But I just want to thank Andrew for talking to me this morning, that made me kinda happy :) Andre Andre est le meillure! I can't remember how to spell that, so sorry if it is wrong.

Anyway, about my horrible weekend, I won't bore you with the details, but I swear to god, I can't handle this crap much longer. I really just need to get out of here. I've delt with this crap for nearly 18 years, and I just need to hang on for 6 more months, but the closer I get to being free of it all, the harder it is to bear. My sister is lucky, though, because she is too wound up in her own dramatic little world to understand what is going to on. Like they say, ignorance is bliss. I just have to keep focused on the light at the end of my tunnel and I'll be ok. thank god for college.

01/28/02

Musings of a Pathetic Bitch
I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this blog anymore. I find it very hard to speak (write) about my interactions and feeling towards people becasue most of the people I would write about have access to this page. This has come to my attention most in the past couple of weeks in which there were many events and reactions I would have loved to write about but had to keep from doing so because 1) it makes me feel really vulnerable to know that others know what is inside of me 2)I am afraid my words may be misinterpreted or be found offensive and 3) I tend to write irrationabley when I am upset. This upsets me beacsue I have found all of this writing to be very cathartic. I always seem to feel better when I get everything out. I find writing about the more meaningless events of my day boring, so they must be unbearable for you to read. Ah well, what can you do. I don't have the gall that Andrew has to write so openly regardless of the consequences. I admire that in him, but I cannot find it in myself to be so fearless.

01/27/02